What do feelings have to do with DEI?
Feelings. Complicated. Messy. Awkward. Inconvenient. Subjective. Unprofessional.
Standards of “objectivity” have us socialized into believing that emotions make us weak. And yes, you can count on that being gendered as well as racialized. Women are criticized for being too emotional whereas white men especially are allowed or even expected to have anger outbursts and what are essentially emotional temper tantrums. Meanwhile Black women are characterized as angry if all they are doing is not smiling and nodding along enthusiastically enough.
One of the things we find ourselves doing as a result is creating space for feelings in our DEI work. And then people comment on what an awkward transition that is coming in from other workspaces.
The point is not that DEI spaces are spaces where you can have your feelings, although they are.
The point is that DEI spaces should be spaces where you can have your feelings because we all have feelings.
It’s part of being human, and inclusion and belonging means creating spaces where you can bring your full authentic self, which means creating spaces where you can bring those feelings.
Further, we all have biases. The conclusions and assumptions we make as we parse through billions of data inputs from moment to moment mean are necessary for our very survival, yet it is also in those actions and reflexes that our biases can lead us to perpetuate harm to ourselves or others.
To ignore our feelings can actually be to ignore our biases.
To ignore our feelings can actually give them MORE opportunity to run the show rather than less.
There are no right or wrong feelings. Feelings simply are - they exist, and they can provide important information. At the same time, feelings are not necessarily facts. Feeling guilty doesn't mean you are guilty, but it also doesn’t mean you aren’t.
In our work, we talk a lot about working through our "auto-responses" - our initial reactions that often involve a lot of feelings as well as our biases. Just as with our feelings, our auto-responses aren’t necessarily right or wrong, but when we can work through our auto-responses, we can get to a more discerning place where we can usually make better more considered decisions.
What does this look like in practice?
It means practicing mindfulness - which yes, can mean meditation, but even simple strategies like taking a breath, touching a surface, engaging other senses such as smell or sound, or even just wiggling in your seat and stretching as you bring your attention to your body can bring your awareness into the present moment so you can also be aware of your feelings. In fact, you’re not going to meditate in the middle of a live situation where you find yourself getting activated, but a meditation practice can help build the muscles for being more present in live situations with others.
It means being willing to pause and name our feelings, if only for ourselves, but it can help to name them for and with others, so people have some context for understanding the responses to any given situation.
It means developing the skills to self-soothe and self-regulate our emotions which does NOT mean stuffing them down - it means acknowledging them and moving through them.
It means being willing to slow down and catch ourselves when we find ourselves rushing to be reactive or jump to a solution.
It means being willing to take the time, even if just for a few moments, to identify and question our biases and assumptions, as well as to communicate clearly and make sure everyone is on the same page.
It’s quite remarkable how two or more people can come away from the same conversation with a completely different understanding of what was said or agreed to.
It is generally well worth the time to reflect back what was said to check for understanding, even if that can feel awkward and slow to start with, or it seems like everyone gets it. It’s also a great way of making people feel heard and validated, even if you don’t agree with them.
It also means pausing in general. Sure, fire off that angry email, but don’t send it yet. Take a breath, walk away, de-escalate yourself, then come back, and see if that is really what you want to say and how you want to say it. I’ve done that sometimes and come back only to decide I actually need to be even more assertive in how I express myself. Other times I go with my original draft, and yes, sometimes I soften what I’m saying or decide not to say it at all. Having a trusted colleague or friend who has more critical distance read something over and give their feedback can also be helpful.
In fact, venting to friends, family, a coach, a therapist, or to colleagues can be a great way to de-escalate. Just make sure you are clear whether you are venting or asking for feedback and suggested solutions, and make sure you are venting to someone with more critical distance (or who is paid to have more critical distance) and not someone who is even closer to the situation than you are, or who you might be inappropriately triangulating into the situation by trying to get them on your side, or who you might be emotionally dumping on without reciprocating. Women of color are often the ones who get dumped on and assumed to be good venting receptacles. Make sure you have consent to vent.
Journaling is another good way to work through feelings, biases and auto-responses. For others, movement, exercises, being in nature, getting into daylight, hanging out with a pet works better - really it is anything that soothes your nervous system. Different strategies work for different people or even for the same people at different times or for different situations.
What strategies do you use to allow space for your feelings and for working through them?
Banner photo by Moritz Knöringer on Unsplash
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