Some wounds are not ours to heal

A friend shared some wisdom a coach had shared with her once - some wounds are not ours to heal.

This stuck with me because for the longest time, I thought ALL wounds were mine to heal.

I’ve become very conscious of how women of color, and especially Black women, are socialized to take on everyone’s emotional burdens and healing except our own, when really the only wounds that are ours to heal are our own.

Not only that, but this work is often invisible, unrewarded, unrecognized, unsupported and undervalued.

Worse than that, it can actually in some cases cause or exacerbate distrust.

And so we are left, exhausted and depleted as well as physically, mentally and emotionally worn out in ways that impact our health and life expectancies.

And it’s not just women of color.

White folks taking on the healing of others can be problematic in a whole other set of ways. Systemic power dynamics mean that this manifests as saviorism, sometimes well-intended, sometimes self-serving, often dehumanizing, patronizing and harmful.

Paternalism - assuming we know better than others what is best for them - only deepens hierarchy and oppression.

Some wounds are not ours to heal because we only have jurisdiction and agency over ourselves. That’s not to say that we can’t facilitate or engage in community healing. However, I truly believe that speaking for our own healing is the best way to do that. Inner healing leads to social transformation.

You can’t actually change other people. I know, for some of us more than others, this is incredibly frustrating. We don’t just want to be right but we want others to agree that we are right!

Trying to convince anyone of anything though is a losing proposition. I fall into this trap and for me it’s a big red flag - if I feel like I am banging my head against a wall, it’s because I am. I need to back away from the wall. I can invite the wall to come on a journey with me but I can’t force it to.

Clients have often heard me say - we are all inherently worthy and do not have to defend or prove our worth. There is often a huge sign of relief or even cheers and clapping when I say this. We all have inherent worth - and I usually add that sometimes we do have to articulate our worth but that to me is a very different framing to defending or proving.

We also don’t have to defend or prove our perspectives or opinions.

We don’t need others to agree with our perspectives in order for them to be valid!

It sounds so simple but based on the behavior of most of us, myself included, it’s pretty counter-intuitive to our socialization into systems of oppression where there is a “winner” and a “loser.”

We always get a lot of questions in DEI work about how to “get leadership buy-in” or “bring people along.” And yes, this is important, but I believe should not involve begging, pleading, convincing, defending or proving.

Not everyone will come along, people get to make their own choices, and that’s ok.

This doesn’t mean we are left to accept unacceptable behavior.

There can be accountability, boundaries and consequences.

We get to decide what our needs are and what we will do if those needs are not met.

We have choices. They are not always great choices, but we do have them.

Banner photo by Meriç Dağlı on Unsplash