Letting go of external validation seeking

I’d always thought of myself as a fairly confident person. However, there was a time in my life, a moment of sudden realization that so much of my confidence and worth was based on what other people thought of me.

Is self-worth based on external validation truly self-worth?

What I realized in that moment was that I had placed far too much importance on external validation, including or maybe especially in my first marriage that was at that time coming to an end.

How embarrassing, mortifying even, for someone who had always thought of herself as “independent” and a feminist, who spoke truth to power and who had already defied many of the expectations set out for her.

But even at those so-called feminist all girls schools I went to, I was socialized into a system of external validation - most of us are by default.

It’s not an individual choice but a systemic reality.

And as a woman of color I feel I was in many ways groomed for a relationship where I handed over the determination of my worth and value to a white man. I never took on that determination as the truth, but it still meant something. I had been socialized to want the validation. It turned out that his increasingly low value of me was actually a reflection of his increasingly low value of himself, to the point where I realized it wasn’t about me at all.

This became particularly clear in contrast to the increasing value and not just confidence but self-confidence I was gaining professionally, and I think it was the widening gap between the two that eventually brought things to a head.

The bottom line was that, as a woman of color, relying on what other people thought of me was yes, perhaps a necessary survival strategy, but ultimately a losing proposition. My parents had instilled in me a foundation of self-worth that I was able to tap into, reclaiming agency over my worth.

Because while being socialized into a system of external validation seeking is not an individual choice but a systemic reality, we can make the individual choice, especially as adults, to divest from this system.

And what I came to realize and believe is that we are all inherently worthy and do not have to defend or prove our worth.

The one thing I want my kids to know is that no one gets to tell them who they are, not even me.

Of course, it’s not as straightforward as that. What other people think of us is none of our business, and yet we also get to take steps to make ourselves safe. It’s also critical that we are open to the input and feedback of those who are impacted by our decisions, and that we understand and acknowledge our impact.

When we are secure in our own inherent worth we can also affirm the worth of others.

I see interdependence, not independence, at the other end of the spectrum from codependency.

As adrienne maree brown says about interdependence in Emergent Strategy:

Do you already know that your existence—who and how you are—is in and of itself a contribution to the people and place around you? Not after or because you do some particular thing, but simply the miracle of your life. And that the people around you, and the place(s), have contributions as well? Do you understand that your quality of life and your survival are tied to how authentic and generous the connections are between you and the people and place you live with and in?

Are you actively practicing generosity and vulnerability in order to make the connections between you and others clear, open, available, durable? Generosity here means giving of what you have without strings or expectations attached. Vulnerability means showing your needs.

It’s normal and human to want a certain measure of external validation, but being overly reliant on it is not only harmful to ourselves, it is harmful to others by placing on them the burden of our own safety and worth. In addition, in seeking external validation ourselves, we are contributing to a dynamic where we expect others to seek it from us as well. This is a system of “power over” rather than “power with.”

And what I’ve found is that often those whose identities mean that are most likely to receive external validation end up feeling entitled to it in a way that masks an undercurrent of insecurity and lack of self-worth.

What does it take to let go of external validation seeking?

Being aware of it is the first step. External validation seeking is so ingrained in dominant culture, whether it’s seeking the approval of teachers to get good grades in school, or seeking approval from supervisors in order to keep our jobs and get paid. And yes, sometimes we have to articulate our value, but to me there is an important distinction between articulating and proving my worth. When I feel myself slipping into defending or proving my worth, it’s a good indication that I am slipping into external validation.

Seek feedback rather than approval. It’s hard to trust someone to be honest and transparent when it feels like their primary goal is to get our approval. Seeking feedback is not the same as seeking approval - it’s why giving and receiving feedback can often be so hard yet it’s feedback rather than approval that will help us grow.

Focus on needs and measure impact. Are you actions and impact aligned with your intentions? This shifts the focus from us (do you approve of me?) to others (do you have what you need?) and takes being liked out of the equation.

Engage in co-creation. Take action with rather than for people and, as adrienne maree brown says above, without strings or expectations attached. It’s not about abdicating your needs in favor of the needs of others, but it also isn’t about abdicating the needs of others in favor of your own needs.

Build mastery based on your values, strengths, and what energizes you. It’s easy to slip into saviorism, thus centering on yourself and invalidating the agency of others. Instead, be aware of your values, strengths and what energizes you so you can find intrinsic motivation and satisfaction that isn’t reliant on the approval of others. Set small, achievable stretch goals that build upon each other as you gradually increase the difficulty. Remember that failure is an opportunity for growth and celebrate milestones as you go.

Banner photo by Eugene Golovesov on Unsplash

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